When I do come across reading other peoples blogs, namely where the subject matter is rather personal,almost intimate and there is relatively some depth -thought provoking. I get this urge to share something of my own. Yet, just as that thought is registered, I turn down my offer with a variable level of regret.
Why should I talk about myself? For what purpose would I want to, even so far as need to open up? Why should anyone have to for that matter. I guess it strongly disagrees with what want to define myself as. I would rather be mysterious than transparent, subtle rather than upfront and surprising rather than predictable. Clearly I'm not.
I guess, I would like the result of this to provoke interest, curiosity and realisation. For me right now, I suppose I'm just trying to transition myself to a pattern of study. I know what I'm doing and what the effects of those are, its a change 2 years in the making. I have already cut rope, and more might need to be cut, as I anchor myself somewhere in the middle, away from the piers in every distracting direction. It has always been hard to keep up the fight in the daily grind for me, yet, when I did, I had everything. And when the week ended, I found myself tired to the point of desperation, where I knew I couldn't keep it up for much longer. So I didn't.
The hardest part about giving up is actually accepting it.Well, for me at least. Its easy to step out, but the next part is rather disheartening. Id imagine that one will eventually become so used to it, that they're rather oblivious to the fact that they are giving up. Numbing, some say.
As someone who has had everything they ever wanted - Achievement,Possessions, Friends, Laughter, Love and Family - all at once, at the end of the day, it really is the way life should be. So if you have that right now, cherish it, because very rarely can something monumental like that happen so often. If you feel like you don't, then maybe your goals are too high, or that something really fundamental is missing. Something that effectively only you require.
I haven't written any lengthy blogs that are relatively personal like this in ages, private or public.
It feels kind of weird, and I will probably regret it. But what the hell hey?
thankgod its over.
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