HAPPYSMEGDOG / DICKILEAKS: JESS T PUBLIC BREAKDOWN (SHE IS A BUMFACE)

What's in a name?

For notorious Sydney blogger Jessica Tran, there may be a bit more than we realise.

An exclusive collaborative investigation between Happysmegdog and Dickileaks reveals that the seemingly light-hearted, sweet-but-cheeky humour that she has become known for may very well have not been the sole reason behind her seemingly innocuous Twitter handle @fartssica.

The real story? Jessica is a bum face.

One out of only four others in history, she is afflicted with a condition from birth where all orifices on her face do not have the usual functions we would expect from a mouth, nose and ears.

They are in fact small anal cavities; it is only through extensive cosmetic surgery, and a lifetime of training that she is able to converse normally without anyone knowing.

In our shocking new video interview (embedded below), she admits, between near-hysterical, flatulent sobs, that it has always been a source of embarrassment for her.

"I'm so sorry, I can't help it," she moaned, just barely audible over the steady stream of farts burbling uncontrollably from her face. "I'm so embarassed... please stop filming this."

Jessica, who has since hastily changed her Twitter handle to the more mature @JessLovesFred, has been unavailable for further interviewing.

Stream the interview below:

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far out

On the way to Happysmegdog inc. co. executive meeting earlier today.

Early revenue reports show a 100000000% increase in profit with the move to alternative transport for all employees.

SMEG INTERVIEWS FASHION OVERLORD JESS T, LIVES TO TELL THE TALE

NOW THAT THE SMEG HAS BECOME A LEGITIMATE NEWS SOURCE, OUR MISSION HAS BECOME TO DELIVER THE MOST HARD HITTING NEWS KNOWN TO MAN.

AS SUCH WE ARE BRANCHING OUT INTO ON-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS, DOWN IN THE DIRT WITH REAL AUSTRALIA.

TODAY THE AWARD WINNING SMEG NEWS CREW HAPPENED UPON JESS T, PROLIFIC FASHION BLOGGER, IN SYDNEY'S CBD.

JESS T IS A RISING STAR IN SYDNEY'S FASHION BLOGOSPHERE, BUT HER METEORIC RISE HAS NOT BEEN WITHOUT CONTROVERSY.

ONE TESTIMONIAL OF AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE CLAIMED, "I'M PRETTY SURE SHE IS A T-REX AND HAS A BLOG AND LOVES FASHION PLEASE DON'T TELL HER I SAID THAT SHE WILL EAT ME."

ANOTHER SOURCE STATED, "I TOLD HER I LIKED HER DRESS AND SHE TOLD ME 'I LIKE YOUR SOUL', I WOKE UP NAKED A FEW HOURS UNDER A RUBBLE OF EMPTY ASOS DELIVERY PACKAGES AND THE SMELL OF GRATED CHEESE LINGERING IN THE AIR."

FINALLY ONE HOSPITALISED HIGH SCHOOL GIRL TOLD US THAT, "I USED TO BREATHE OXYGEN AND EAT SOLID FOODS BEFORE I COMMENTED ON JESSLOVESFRED."

JESS T WAS SEEN IN THE PASSENGER SIDE OF A MERCEDES BENZ AND WE READIED AVANT-GARDE CAMERA OPERATOR MATTHEW, EVER-RELIABLE SENIOR REPORTER GENVIN, AND HAPPY-GO-LUCKY INTERN JULIE FOR WHAT COULD WELL BE THE INTERVIEW OF THE CENTURY.

VIDEO EMBEDDED BELOW.

NOW I SHALL REIGN IN BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!

in which we do battle with a Guitar Hero controller and the katana that's always just laying around for some reason instead of being put up somewhere safe

dear diary,

Today we checked out this weird Japanese place and I got the udon with vegetables + tofu $5.50 lunch special and this is what they gave me wth are you fuckin tytyty ily

am I Kanye yet

So Skate 3 has a pretty robust video editor, and I am a dickhead.

See for yourself.



Stephen wrote a thing about this one.



I only grind on physically manifested edges of emotion. I 50/50 between ennui and enlightenment



The onlookers stumble into one another as they try desperately to ignore the weeping skater.

some old mans anus

My dumb new phone has this function where it syncs up with my Facebook account and grabs all my Facebook friends' numbers and dumps them on my phone, and it also automatically uses each person's Facebook default photo as the contact photo. If you're a dickhead like me, though, chances are you've got a bunch of people saved as stupid nicknames (Bleshbot 6000, Jie Jie Mough, Turd Girl, Handyman Bob, Modest Bob, Honest Bob, etc) as opposed to the person's actual name, which means a fair lot of people ended up with blank contact photos. Don't you hate that I sure do good. If you happen to be any one of those people I've just listed, or anyone else who'd probably be found in my phone under a horribly mangled version of their own name, though, don't fret! I've taken the time out to take enough photos of Matt to fill in all the awkward blanks. Here are a few of them. I know this post might be full of shit but I'm trying to push the one with the snail out of the front page so I won't have to look at it every time I check this stupid blog for comments.

From memory, this photo went to Andrew Do's Mum's entry in my phone contact book. I'm really not sure why I have it, especially seeing as how I've never really talked much to Andrew Do, but it's been there since forever. I guess it's not technically a nickname, but it's probably a safe bet to say that I don't have Andrew Do's Mum on Facebook.

This is the contact photo for 'Oojin.' Aww yeah, go on honey, flash us yer teeth, reaaal nice.

I remember having some sort of legitimate reason to save it as Dannis Beowls Trinh as opposed to just Yannis or Fannis like I used to have it saved as. Maybe I'm just imagining things because I don't think anyone has a good reason to use the word beowls, ever.

the end

what the heck pt1

sometimes we wait for the bus

"a bumpy nyu nyu"

anyway, HAHS class of 2011 graduated today

cattysmegdog

hey I don't think I post enough photos of Kiara here so here's another

xTreMe Sports: Matthew Carroll

#radiance #youth #beauty

THE EARTH STANDS STILL AND QUIVERS LOTS IN DESPAIR

IN WHAT HAS BEEN DEEMED THE SHITTIEST NEWS ON EARTH EVER, GENVIN IN, RECENTLY CROWNED WORLD CHAMPION OF ATHLETES, HAS LOST HIS WALLET AT SOME POINT DURING THE FILMIN GOF THE STUPID OLYMPIC CUP VIDEO .

AS HORRIFIED FANS FLOCK TO THE STREETS IN PROTEST, UPDATES REGARDING THE LOSS MAY BE FOLLOWED VIA GENVINS TWITTER ACCOUTN WHICH MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE BEST AND FUNNIEST TWITTER ACCOUNT EVER TO BE MADE EVER LIKE HES SO WITTY AND HEAPS COOL AND SHIT

'FUCK MY GAY LITTLE LIFE' GENVIN SAID

THE NEWS

IM BORED OF THIS POST

astro shit

good times, grt clssic hits

inspiration.

taken September 19, 2010. wow, I was actually the sickest cunt back then

it's not offensive if it's really funny

The other night, Stephen, Matthew and I hung out on my couch and played video games until three in the morning. It rocked. Towards the end of the night, Matt fell asleep and Stephen and I suddenly remembered that Soul Calibur lets you create your own character to fight with. Not wasting any time, we very quickly ended up creating a character named N1GGERFAGG0T and it was the fucking funniest thing in the entire world

splat

omg

Genvin In, T10A, tut prep week 6 wendy harmer exercise

he sure is the champion

genvin in world champion of athlete

BY THE WAY IT HAS COME TO MY ATTENTION THAT I LOST MY WALLET AT SOME POINT DURING THE FILMING OF THIS SO THEREFORE THIS IS A SAD VIDEO ALTHOUGH THIS DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY LESS IMPRESSIVE I AM AFTER ALL THE CHAMPION

featuring an original soundtrack by the Gaybos

OOH OOH OOHH, OH FADER, OHH

HAHAHA EAT MY SHIT EVERYONE I won this $50 iTunes card for singing the chorus to Fader in public outside Liverpool plaza while annoyed passers-by passed by. I was supposed to sing for 30 seconds to win the card but they stopped me early because I was that bad and gave me the card anyway so I win

more powerful than ever

Matt - steampunk enthusiast and bike extraordinaire.

jess loves frend.

Here is a preview of what I've decided to do for the next few hours. Good.

M. Ough

jess loves slayer

i love your blog

hahaha wee dick worm

the technogoat

Sometimes Stephen comes over to my house

probably make sure your speakers aren't turned too high

Katie sed, 'TLC'

Word jumble courtesy of Jully. Answers in tomorrow's, or something

see deez nuts

so tall and lean, such a dream

roses are red / violets are blue / fuck you whore

terrapin summer by gout

Here is a thing I did like a billion years ago but never posted for some reason.

HAPPYSMEGDOG READER EVALUATION SURVEY

I was scrolling through my Formspring from ages ago and found this survey I wrote up for readers. What the hell is this shit?

1. How did you hear about HappySmegdog.blogspot.com? (tick all that apply)
[] Magazine
[] Friend
[] Website (please specify: _________________)
[] School
[] Poster
[] Radio
[] Telephone
[] Keyboard
[] Song
[] www.utube.com
[] Officeworks
[] Restaurant
[] Surf shop
[] Stephen's mums shop
[] Lucky Lucky Hot Hot
[] Soozy
[] Kiara
[] Board game
[] DVD
[] eBay
[] Postcard from an American relative
[] Aldi
[] Watching Avatar
[] 2u math
[] 3u math
[] Warehouse
[] Library
[] Daily Announcements
[] Newspaper
[] iPod
[] Beach
[] Korean music
[] http://www.myspace.com/2167band
[] Tumblr
[] Jenn
[] Ngo and Sons Tutoring Centre
[] http://www.formspring.me/genvinout
[] Behind a hose
[] Aisle 11
[] Trade Secret
[] Bonaman
[] A book about cats
[] World of Warcraft Trade chat
[] Inside a seashell
[] Mobile telephone
[] Satellite
[] Channel 10
[] Inside an envelope
[] Cereal giveaway
[] Yu-Gi-Oh Sweepstakes 2007
[] Valley Plaza Pharmacy
[] Blowing your nose
[] John Michael Batehup
[] World of Warcraft General chat
[] Vodka Jelly
[] Google Michael Chrome
[] Netbattle Supremacy
[] On a USB Drive
[] Nursery rhyme
[] On the floor
[] Greater Union Cinemas
[] The piggery
[] A specific shirt
[] Brian's car
[] A really fun photo
[] Beyblade Battle Association Australia Tournament
[] ShrimpChat
[] Evony
[] In the sand
[] Michael Hills
[] Prawnjuice
[] In a bucket
[] Fancy Feast Turkey Prime Filet
[] Really big carrot
[] Google
[] On board the Taco Bus
[] The Forest of Arden
[] On a basketball
[] Birthday card, or present
[] Helms Deep
[] Gym Class Heroes concert
[] Webcam
[] Claudia Schiffer Naked Naked Naked
[] The wind
[] Illidan Michael Stormrage
[] A big box
[] Madonna song
[] MyChonny is a fucking faggot
[] Promotional disc
[] Microsoft
[] Rhianna
[] Guitar Hero 3
[] Dark Dragon
[] Big bottle of piss and turd
[] Gossip Girl book
[] Black Temple
[] A giant, skyscraper-sized puppy
[] Inside a TV
[] Mr Rabbit
[] fucking a piss of shit faggot sucker fucks an dick balls of cum steel
[] SMS
[] Mr Craig's ears
[] Punching your aunt in the face
[] Binder book
[] Kuma's shit
[] Reader's Digest
[] A trout
[] Dumbledore's computer
[] Eugene Krabs
[] Other (please specify: _________________)

2. How often do you visit the Smeg? (tick one)
[] Rarely
[] Occasionally
[] Often
[] Never
[] Always
[] Sometimes
[] 50-50
[] Tomorrow
[] The golden ratio
[] Whenever
[] Once a month
[] Two tablespoons worth per litre
[] Once a mouth
[] First Saturday of every month
[] In the middle of the night, when the time is right
[] When the moon is five thirds full, on the eve of breaking sun in lights of halm
[] http:/wshapysmegfdog.blgspot.com

3. How happy with you are you the Happy Smegdog?
[]

4. Which section of the Smeg do you enjoy the most?
[] Rap section
[] Columns
[] Comics
[] Sports with Jbt Jamie Zheng
[] Kidzone
[] Dinosaur Review
[] reders poll
[] Letters to the editor
[] Crosswords
[] A book reviews
[] gothpunksta666
[] a big

DAILY TELEGRAPH JULY 30 2011

genjie thursdays

This is what happens to every single face in the paper if you give Jully a pen and a copy of mX on the train ride home. The best jie.

sofa gong / jackie chan big tits

This took me like forty minutes

HAHAHA

HERE'S A PHOTO OF MATT'S ASIAN DOPPELGANGER, HOLY SHIT!

He actually kinda looks like what'd come out if Matt and Rob Abergas mated.

OOOOH YOU SO SEXXXYYY GURR

HEY THERE SEXXY HUNNY BOI YOU LOOKIN' FOR A GOOD TIME

HOW TO WATCH THE FUCKIN SIMPSONS

IF YOU ARE ANYTHING LIKE ME (AND LET'S HOPE NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) THEN YOU'VE KINDA JUST SPENT THE LAST FEW MONTHS WITHOUT THE SIMPSONS AND ARE GETTING REALLY FRUSTRATED BECAUSE YOU CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHEN IT IS ON WELL TODAY I AM ENDING THE BULL SHIT ONCE AND FOR ALL HA HA PLAY TIME IS OVER

MONDAY - N/A, WATCH FUTURAMA INSTEAD AT 7:30

TUESDAY - 7:30 GOOD

WEDNESDAY - 7:30, AND AGAIN AT 8:30 HOLY SHIT

THURSDAY - HOLY DOUBLE SHIT!! 7:30, AND ANOTHER ONE RIGHT AFTER THAT AT 8

FRIDAY - N/A. THERE IS ALSO NO FUTURAMA, WHAT

SATURDAY - N/A AGAIN, AND ONCE AGAIN, NO FUTURAMA, WHO'S IDEA WAS FRIDAY AND SATURDAY DICK FLOP MCIDIOT

SUNDAY - 7:30 AGAIN, AND FOLLOWED BY FUTURAMA YES YES OH BOY DOUBLE PLUS GOOD

ALSO IT'S ON CHANNEL 11 WHATEVER TF THAT IS I DON'T EVEN KNOW, WHEN I TYPE 1-1 ON MY REMOTE IT TAKES ME TO SOME OTHER FUCKIN WEIRD CHANNEL AND FOR SOME REASON MY CHANNEL 11 IS SET TO 5-5 I DON

14 crowns

busting heads

the screaming cucumbers

What Julie did on the train to uni the other day. SICK INK BRAH

I eat too much

wtf am I

meowls jackson

Here's this video I've been working on for like months, but will kinda never be finished because it turns out that I didn't shoot enough. Poo.

LA CUCARACHAS

tomato ketschup

sweat, baby sweat

In other film news, here is me starring in the official music video for The Bad Touch by Bloodhound Gang.

the drugz - official trailer

A few weeks ago, I posted a little teaser of a short film Stephen wrote a while ago and plans to finish filming and editing over the course of the uni break, titled The Drugz. Today, amidst practicing a cover of KiD CuDi's Erase Me and eating bread, noodles and cordial, we got round to filming the first few scenes of the film. Here is the official trailer. Tell your friends! Or don't, probably.

The Drugz. A short film by Stephen Pham. Winter 2011.

I think one of these is Robert

sweety beowls

I know I'm extremely late, but I FINALLY got round to throwing out all my Year 12 shit. Amongst the fat stacks of paper covered in math shit and like a billion scans from WW1 books from Modern, I found this drawing of a beowl, by Blosia, hee hee

lol smeg

THIS HAS JUST BEEN BROUGHT TO MY ATTENTION.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Red_Dwarf_concepts#Smeg

nucleus

Dear You. You know who you are, but you actually don't at the moment, because it feels like far too long since you threw life to the wind and flew against the current. I hope this letter finally begins the onset we've been waiting for.

Firstly though, take solace in how no one will understand this. This is just me and you, a closed exhibition to a walking wide open happy public who won't ever get efforts through this grey veneer, a monolithic nothing message wrapped in tight weaves of trash rose prose. Just me and you, with all the time in the world to thrash back like white waves through the dense black and rise and destroy, desperate outreached hands flailing for familiarity that shouldn't and will not come, spluttering for air until we're back in the sky again. Not long now, I think.

You wonder about the stories sometimes and we wonder if we're killing ourselves like this. The silver lining won't always shine through, but I figure it's only a matter of playing out the wait until we tear the clouds down too and the sky shines brighter than crashing blinding reflections. We're better off this way. Sealed lips aren't hurting anyone when we're clenched as tight as white cracked fists, compressing our being into a density as nothing as much as it is everything, as standalone and all-encompassing as stars burning in black infinite expanse. We see the screaming bones ripping through worn skin, but this is what we are now. It will not happen again.

That said, you need an outlet. You don't know how long we can continue to stomp out fires with nothing but our bare skin, but this is how we operate, unskilled and stumbling in the dark, ignorant of better judgement, and these bitter fleeting ashes of dead red flesh are daily reminder of atrocities at our own stupid hands. Maybe one day, maybe soon, we'll finally make it out of the wasteland and back out into the light, skin ripped, but smiling, smiling because we know we've finally figured it all out, and we can finally sleep, warm in the knowledge that love is all. But until then, we run.

I don't need to explain who this is from.

If you think this is addressed to you, it isn't.

bein' extreeeme

legitimacy

Here's a thing I made. You can probably stop after the first ten seconds or so because the rest is the same thing looped.

in my schleps, my soul's on fire

ice cream

Sorry for just posting lots of videos, but here is a video Lawrence made called 'Bxtn Crotch Shots.' More quality from the hands of the Freshmaker.

vv

Anyway, Lehana and I are stars in Phil's English Extension 2 short film, titled Matthew 24:43. We play Luke and Stella. Anyong.

old habits die hard

Oh boy, I don't even listen to Matt and Kim, but I thought their new video was heaps heaps good.

remember how I'm chinese, oh yes this makes me happy

What me and Dannis did today yes that's hair