Monday, November 7, 2011

HAPPYSMEGDOG / DICKILEAKS: JESS T PUBLIC BREAKDOWN (SHE IS A BUMFACE)

What's in a name?

For notorious Sydney blogger Jessica Tran, there may be a bit more than we realise.

An exclusive collaborative investigation between Happysmegdog and Dickileaks reveals that the seemingly light-hearted, sweet-but-cheeky humour that she has become known for may very well have not been the sole reason behind her seemingly innocuous Twitter handle @fartssica.

The real story? Jessica is a bum face.

One out of only four others in history, she is afflicted with a condition from birth where all orifices on her face do not have the usual functions we would expect from a mouth, nose and ears.

They are in fact small anal cavities; it is only through extensive cosmetic surgery, and a lifetime of training that she is able to converse normally without anyone knowing.

In our shocking new video interview (embedded below), she admits, between near-hysterical, flatulent sobs, that it has always been a source of embarrassment for her.

"I'm so sorry, I can't help it," she moaned, just barely audible over the steady stream of farts burbling uncontrollably from her face. "I'm so embarassed... please stop filming this."

Jessica, who has since hastily changed her Twitter handle to the more mature @JessLovesFred, has been unavailable for further interviewing.

Stream the interview below:

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Friday, October 28, 2011

Friday, October 21, 2011


On the way to Happysmegdog inc. co. executive meeting earlier today.

Early revenue reports show a 100000000% increase in profit with the move to alternative transport for all employees.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

SMEG INTERVIEWS FASHION OVERLORD JESS T, LIVES TO TELL THE TALE

NOW THAT THE SMEG HAS BECOME A LEGITIMATE NEWS SOURCE, OUR MISSION HAS BECOME TO DELIVER THE MOST HARD HITTING NEWS KNOWN TO MAN.

AS SUCH WE ARE BRANCHING OUT INTO ON-THE-STREET INTERVIEWS, DOWN IN THE DIRT WITH REAL AUSTRALIA.

TODAY THE AWARD WINNING SMEG NEWS CREW HAPPENED UPON JESS T, PROLIFIC FASHION BLOGGER, IN SYDNEY'S CBD.

JESS T IS A RISING STAR IN SYDNEY'S FASHION BLOGOSPHERE, BUT HER METEORIC RISE HAS NOT BEEN WITHOUT CONTROVERSY.

ONE TESTIMONIAL OF AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE CLAIMED, "I'M PRETTY SURE SHE IS A T-REX AND HAS A BLOG AND LOVES FASHION PLEASE DON'T TELL HER I SAID THAT SHE WILL EAT ME."

ANOTHER SOURCE STATED, "I TOLD HER I LIKED HER DRESS AND SHE TOLD ME 'I LIKE YOUR SOUL', I WOKE UP NAKED A FEW HOURS UNDER A RUBBLE OF EMPTY ASOS DELIVERY PACKAGES AND THE SMELL OF GRATED CHEESE LINGERING IN THE AIR."

FINALLY ONE HOSPITALISED HIGH SCHOOL GIRL TOLD US THAT, "I USED TO BREATHE OXYGEN AND EAT SOLID FOODS BEFORE I COMMENTED ON JESSLOVESFRED."

JESS T WAS SEEN IN THE PASSENGER SIDE OF A MERCEDES BENZ AND WE READIED AVANT-GARDE CAMERA OPERATOR MATTHEW, EVER-RELIABLE SENIOR REPORTER GENVIN, AND HAPPY-GO-LUCKY INTERN JULIE FOR WHAT COULD WELL BE THE INTERVIEW OF THE CENTURY.

VIDEO EMBEDDED BELOW.

Saturday, October 8, 2011

NOW I SHALL REIGN IN BLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!


in which we do battle with a Guitar Hero controller and the katana that's always just laying around for some reason instead of being put up somewhere safe

Wednesday, October 5, 2011

dear diary,


Today we checked out this weird Japanese place and I got the udon with vegetables + tofu $5.50 lunch special and this is what they gave me wth are you fuckin tytyty ily